Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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