Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If I die, sorry about rent.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
