I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
