My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
