Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
