in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
