i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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