Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
