What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
