When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
