i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
