Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
