Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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