i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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