Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
