The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
