I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
