Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
