So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
high people should be assigned attendants
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
