I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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