FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
