I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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