My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
