So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
