He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
