Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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