I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
