I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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