i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
now i know why i became what i already was.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
