My sheets look like a crime scene.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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