Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i think i have herpe
just one?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
