You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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