I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
