WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
