Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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