be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
