We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
