Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
