life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
