I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
