im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
