I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
