I looked at my own cervix.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
