I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
