2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
