you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
