You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
