I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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