My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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