Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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