What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
