I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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