Betty ford says i'm here all night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
